Top Ten Things I Resolve

Okay, so I’m a little late with my resolutions, but I wanted to have time to think them over carefully. So here they are! 

1. I will no longer bring chocolate into the house and ask someone to hide it from me because I end up blowing a whole day trying to find it once they leave.


2. I’m going to start bingeing on bean sprouts.
 

3. I will not buy cakes, pies, or donuts for unexpected guests because I never have guests. I don’t  even have friends. Hell, I don’t even know the names of my neighbors, and I’ve lived in the same house for six years. They don’t knock on my door and ask for favors like they do the others on my street. Probably because I have a sign on my door that says, “Please don’t ring doorbell.” 

 4. I will no longer fake orgasms so I don’t hurt the other person’s feelings. In fact, I may buy pepper spray because if I don’t have an orgasm somebody is going to pay.

 5. I’m going to stop trying to think of ways to break up CNN’s Dr.Sanjay Gupta’s marriage in hopes he’ll want me. 

6. I’m going to stop wearing my expensive underwear if I don’t have “plans” for the evening. 

7. I’m going to buy that gadget from Walter Drake that vibrates and promises to ease muscle pain because I think it really has other uses.

8. I’m not going to put up with my Dachshund’s flatulence problems any longer. I’m going to ask the vet to show me, once and for all, how to express his anal glands. Maybe. Also, to pay him back for waking me too early in the morning? I’m going to wake him up every time he takes a nap. 

9. I’m not going to answer the phone when my mother calls me at 6:00 AM in the morning. I’m going to wait until she calls again at 6:30 and tell her I just got home after a late night. Also, I’m going to run my errands after dark when, according to my mother, all the serial killers are on the prowl. 

10. I’ll start a wild rumor about myself so I’ll sound exciting.

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7 Responses to “Top Ten Things I Resolve”

  1. Jen Forbus says:

    Charlotte, do you live on my street? I don’t know my neighbors either…and I don’t get any visitors…except the church people trying to convert me and the Kirby sales folks…I took the doorbell away, you’d think they’d get the message! 😉

  2. You actually took the doorbell away! Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, I don’t want to chase the FedEx guy off because he wears shorts in the summer and has great legs. A girl has to do what a girl has to do.

  3. April says:

    ROFLMAO!!!! I LOVE your resolutions! I may have to steal a few for myself! lol Have a great weekend!

  4. Brandy says:

    No resolutions for me this year. But, I like yours! *G*

  5. Holly Hollan says:

    Hi, Charlotte —

    You sound like an outrageously happy person. Maybe I could learn from you. I do appreciate your resolutions — very clever.

    Maybe you’d want to take a look at my book called “Soaring and Crashing: My Bipolar Adventures” at http://www.holly-holy.com.

    I thank you for your time.

    Warm regards,
    Holly

  6. Dianne says:

    Thank goodness I’m semi-retired. I jump from site to site and end up finding the MOST wonderful people—today it is YOU. The pepper spray idea is going to have me giggling all day!! Now, what was I doing before this fun…..Oh, yes checking my facebook page. Thanks!!

  7. admin says:

    Glad I could make you chuckle, Dianne!
    Charlotte :)

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