~Disclaimer~ Charlotte
Hughes admits she is not a qualified therapist, psychiatrist, or even someone
you'd want to take advice from. She is simply sharing what she has learned in
years of therapy and self-help books. Therefore, if your life is screwed up, she
suggests hiring a professional. By reading the information, you agree not to sue
her.
I just have to tell everyone — Barbie turned 50 years old today. Can you believe that _itch still fits in the clothes she wore at 20?
I am back from two weeks of book signings — during which time I was forced to wear makeup and pantyhose — and I’d like to thank those who showed up. One reader brought me home made candy so many thanks to PJ for that! Now get this: We left Alpharetta, Georgia, bound for Lithonia, Georgia, on Sunday, March 1st and hit a snow storm! Actually, it was a blizzard! I’m not exaggerating! I always said if I wore makeup and pantyhose hell would freeze over so I’m sort of thinking I had something to do with that snow storm.
Although I’ll have to go to a couple of signings at the end of the month, I am SO GLAD to be home. I missed my pets, even the dachshund with the flatulence problem. He is sprawled across my feet as I sit here and type this. Every time he farts I spray him with Lysol. I’m not sure it’s good for his fur, but it keeps me from barfing on my keyboard.
So now I have two weeks to finish my book. There is also a box of unopened chocolate in the house, left over from boxes I purchased for bookstore sellers. I hope all of you will keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to stay out of it.
Okay, so I’m a little late with my resolutions, but I wanted to have time to think them over carefully. So here they are!
1. I will no longer bring chocolate into the house and ask someone to hide it from me because I end up blowing a whole day trying to find it once they leave.
2. I’m going to start bingeing on bean sprouts.
3. I will not buy cakes, pies, or donuts for unexpected guests because I never have guests. I don’t even have friends. Hell, I don’t even know the names of my neighbors, and I’ve lived in the same house for six years. They don’t knock on my door and ask for favors like they do the others on my street. Probably because I have a sign on my door that says, “Please don’t ring doorbell.”
4. I will no longer fake orgasms so I don’t hurt the other person’s feelings. In fact, I may buy pepper spray because if I don’t have an orgasm somebody is going to pay.
5. I’m going to stop trying to think of ways to break up CNN’s Dr.Sanjay Gupta’s marriage in hopes he’ll want me.
6. I’m going to stop wearing my expensive underwear if I don’t have “plans” for the evening.
7. I’m going to buy that gadget from Walter Drake that vibrates and promises to ease muscle pain because I think it really has other uses.
8. I’m not going to put up with my Dachshund’s flatulence problems any longer. I’m going to ask the vet to show me, once and for all, how to express his anal glands. Maybe. Also, to pay him back for waking me too early in the morning? I’m going to wake him up every time he takes a nap.
9.I’m not going to answer the phone when my mother calls me at 6:00AM in the morning. I’m going to wait until she calls again at 6:30 and tell her I just got home after a late night. Also, I’m going to run my errands after dark when, according to my mother, all the serial killers are on the prowl.
10.I’ll start a wild rumor about myself so I’ll sound exciting.
Okay, it’s January 3rd, and I still haven’t taken my tree down. I don’t WANT to take it down because it’s the most beautiful tree in the world. Okay, maybe the White House has a prettier tree, but mine would probably come in a close second.
I put up my tree after Thanksgiving, but, really, who has time to enjoy a Christmas tree when there are gifts to buy and wrap, and when the family is trying to decide where to congregate at Christmas? It isn’t until after the New Year has come and gone that we actually take a deep breath and say, “Whew!”
So here I am. The presents have been exchanged, the guests are gone. Finally, I’m able to sip my morning coffee quietly in front of a roaring fire and gaze at my beautiful tree. I can relax and enjoy the memories of this recent holiday season and those long past. At night I can pile fat marshmallows in a cup of hot chocolate, sit on my overstuffed sofa wrapped in a thick throw, and enjoy it all over again.
The thing about Christmas trees, all bright and shiny, is they lift our spirits and warm our hearts. At least for me. I feel more hopeful about the future. And, here’s the cool thing: I am able to make memories of those moments I spend alone, just me and my Christmas tree. The world’s concerns slip away for a while, and the hard edges of fret and worry grow soft and fuzzy. For just a small moment in time, my little space in the world experiences peace on earth.
Well, if you’re like me, you’re having a difficult time finding a reason to be merry this Christmas. All you have to do is turn on the news channels to find out our country is in deep doodoo.
Finally, I decided to stop watching the news for a while, get away from all the doom and gloom.
It’s not that easy to find uplifting shows right now. I don’t want to watch “CSI,” “Forensic Files,” or “Snapped,” because I don’t want to see all the blood and guts. Same thing with the bio and history channel. The bio channel seems intent on covering the lives of bloody kings and various other rulers. I don’t want to be reminded what a monster Hilter was.
And don’t even talk to me about watching “Animal Planet” or similar shows because there is always some lion or tiger chasing a rabbit who doesn’t stand a chance; and if you don’t change the channel quickly enough you’ll have to watch “the kill,” which includes tearing the poor rabbit to smithereens. Then there’s some kind of planet-type channel where we’re told how our earth is in peril, and all the polar bears are dying. How depressing!
It’s not that I don’t care. I care very much; but after a while I begin to feel helpless and hopeless.
No wonder so many Americans are hooked on “American Idol,” and “Dancing with the Stars.”
Thank God for the Hallmark channel! They’re running Christmas movies this month. Last night I watched three “feel good” movies back-to-back, and I awoke this morning feeling upbeat. I even put up my Christmas tree!
But I have to confess, I almost didn’t bother. I was so bogged down with all the bad stuff that’s happening in the world I thought, why bother? Then, I realized that it was not all about me and my worries. Although Christmas sometimes feels too materialistic, it reminded me that I can still find joy, no matter what the doomsayers are predicting.
The cool thing about this country is how determined us Americans are. We’re a bunch that, when challenged with a recession, we still cling to hope. Just like everyone else I’ve been affected by our troubled economy. Christmas is not going to be elaborate this year for our family, but for some reason I don’t care. We will give what we can. Like the rest of the country we will find at least one or two reasons to be grateful. If you’re having trouble finding that reason, make a gratitude list. I’ll bet, like me, you’ll find blessings in even the most difficult times. Americans never give up. What an awesome country we live in!
I hope you guys on meds didn’t drink on New Year’s Eve. You don’t want to mix Haldol with Smirnoff. I tried that once and ended up butt-naked in a cowboy bar. Just kidding. Actually, I haven’t drank since I puked in my hair in 2002. That wasn’t the worst of it. My friends got mad at me for wasting good scotch. Now I drink Starbucks just so I can stay up until midnight. Yep, life doesn’t get anymore exciting than that!
Okay, time for those New Year’s resolutions. If you’re like me your list is written on a scroll. The problem with these lists is that they point out what we feel is WRONG or LACKING and what we want to CHANGE about ourselves.
Trust me, once I get started, I can find a whole lot of things wrong with me. I end up beating myself up!
I think we should change the rules in 2008. Instead of writing about those things we want to change, how about we list what we’re doing RIGHT! Just think what a list like that is going to do to that little voice in your head that finds one reason after another to criticize you.
I know that, despite my flaws, I can find SOMETHING really good about myself. Something I don’t want to change. I’m going to concentrate on that in 2008 instead of going on a fault-finding mission.
Really, can you think of a better way to start a brand new year than giving yourself a big hug for all the great things you do?
Okay, group, just when I thought I was out of things to complain about at Christmas, blam!, another one hit me squarely in the face.
Let’s talk about those who send cards letting us know that, instead of buying us a gift, they chose to use the money to make a donation to some cause we’ve never heard of. In other words, we did OUR part and bought THEM a present, but they decided to send what should have been OURS to protect the soon-to-be-extinct Hubba-Hubba monkey located deep within the Amazon Rain Forest.
Yeah, riiight!
I think I’d like to see the receipt. And while we’re at it, I want to know why moi isn’t getting the tax writeoff. That was MY donation. I didn’t get my usual gift from Bath and Body because this person felt it was important to spare another species of monkey when there are only like six million species in the Amazon jungle to begin with, and now I don’t even get to claim it on my income tax! What’s with that?
Next year I’m going to make up a cause and tell everyone that’s where the money for their Christmas gift went. Maybe I’ll ask for donations. I’ll tell people I’m trying to save some rare species of butterfly because everybody loves butterflies, and then I’m going to stash every bit of that money into Charlotte Hughes’s cosmetic surgery fund. Hello tummy tuck, liposuction, and mini facelift! Hello to regular botox treatments.
Monkeys are a dime a dozen. There is only one ME. What was that? I think I just heard a collective sigh of relief out there.
First, I’d like to thank those of you who have responded to my blogs — I see that we have a lot in common in our hectic life! Also, I’m amazed at how many of you have registered for the weekly gifts being offered. We’ve already had four winners, and the freebies will continue until my book hits shelves on Feb 26th. Be sure to tell your friends so they’ll have a chance at winning.
Well, folks, it won’t be long until I pack up my sleigh and head to my mom’s where we’ll try to sleep 10 people and two dogs in a two-bedroom house. I have to hire a dog nanny to take care of my dogs; otherwise, we’d have FIVE dogs. Trying to make sleeping arrangements for that many people is like trying to solve one of those Sudoku puzzles. Thank God my mom has three sofas, and we all show up with blow up beds!
Because I didn’t want to look like a slouch, I bought all this fancy paper and ribbon to wrap my gifts, and I’m here to tell you they look like something you’d find in Macy’s window. After about two hours of wrapping, during which time I stabbed myself in the finger with a pair of scissors and ended up with two paper cuts, I said hell with it. (I’d already cut my lip licking Christmas cards.) So, I grabbed gift bags and stuffed everything inside. And wouldn’t you know it, I was rushing down the stairs this morning trying to get everything ready, and I slipped. Slid three-fourths of the way down before I grabbed a picket and saved my own life. The only thing that spared me was my big butt; nevertheless, I spent the day on a heating pad. By tomorrow I’ll feel like somebody beat the crap out of me in an alley.
That’s the problem with all this rushing around — people bumping into each other in the stores, shopping carts colliding, fender benders on every block. What’s the big rush? It’s not like Christmas is going to stop coming around every year if we don’t take a five minute breather. That’s why they invented hot chocolate and egg nog — so we’d slow down and enjoy ourselves.
I want all of you to do me a big favor so I don’t have to fret while I’m away. Slow down! Enjoy the moment! And please, if you’re traveling, be careful because there are crazies out there like me on the highway. Make it a safe holiday!
This may sound strange, but what I’d really like for Christmas is a wife. I want a Donna Reed type wife, one who knows how hard I work and does what she can to make my life a little easier. Of course, we’ve come a long way since Donna Reed, but I can still fantasize, can’t I? Think how wonderful it would be to have a genuine help mate. If Donna Reed was living in my house I wouldn’t spend all day at my computer; then try to find edible food in my mostly empty refrigerator. Not only would Donna do the grocery shopping and run my never-ending list of errands, she would have my dinner on the table when I turned off my computer at the end of the day. I would have clean clothes to wear. I wouldn’t have to wonder what to get people for Christmas, nor would I be stuck with all the shopping and writing out Christmas cards.
My husband will never be Donna Reed. He is totally clueless about Christmas. He wouldn’t know what to buy people, and he couldn’t wrap a Christmas gift if his life depended on it. He is equally clueless about writing out Christmas card. (Sigh) Sometimes I wonder if he plays dumb so he doesn’t have to do any of it. Because I am a wife it is all taken care of. All he has to do is show up for Christmas and unwrap his gifts, and have Christmas dinner, NONE of which he volunteered to prepare while our family was discussing what each of us should bring.
They say behind every successful man is a woman. Duh!
Those stupid Christmas letters! If you’re like me, you get them every year, folks bragging about their perfect marriage, perfect kids, their perfect life in general. I feel like hurling every time I read one. So this year I’m sending out my own Christmas letter.
Charlotte Hughes’ Annual Christmas Letter
Dear Friends and Family:
As always, I wait anxiously for your newsy, edge-of-the-seat Christmas letters; and I shout with glee to find them in my mailbox. So, I’ve decided to share my Christmas news.
As I write this, I am in a heated debate with myself as to where I should put up my Christmas tree. The focal point in my living room is my fireplace and overhead TV. If I put my tree there I would be able to better enjoy it. However, my neighbors and their young children would be deprived of seeing my tree, which is quite spectacular, if I don’t mind saying so myself, and I know Christmas is a time for sharing. Having said that, I’ll have to admit, I can’t stand these people. The kids run through my yard and tease my dogs, and it is hell-on-earth putting up with the little snot-nosed brats. Their mothers congregate in my cul-de-sac after dinner on the pretence of watching their children play, but I know damn well they’re trashing me.
I’m also debating where to hang my Christmas wreath. I have a wrap-around front porch, called a “lowcountry home,” which means I actually have two front doors, one on each side of the house. Nobody really knows which door is considered the front door because they look exactly alike. It is very confusing because when the doorbell rings I have to choose which door to answer first. (Like I have nothing else better to do, right?) What usually happens is I open one door, find nobody there; then have to walk through my entire house to reach the other door, only to discover the person obviously thought he or she was knocking on the wrong door and moved to the other. This can go on, this back and forth business, for quite a while, and it just pisses me off and makes me wish I’d never let that stupid Realtor talk me into buying this place. And having a total of three doors in my home makes it three times easier for some thief/rapist/murderer to break in, so you can see why I suspect the architect was taking illegal drugs when he designed it.
I am unclear if I should wrap my gifts this year or put them in gift bags. Wrapping takes longer, but it feels more personal. Anybody can stuff a gift in a bag and cover it with tissue paper. Of course, the latter of the two would save me time and energy, but again, this is the Christmas season, and I should be thinking of others, not myself. Of course, nobody else I know seems concerned; to tell you the truth, my family and friends are thoughtless as hell about such things. They’d just as soon give me my gift in the Wal-Mart bag it came in. Some people are so self-centered, and it just burns my butt to have to get them anything to begin with. Fortunately, a couple of my family members are in jail as I write this so I’ve marked their thieving asses off my list.
I am also not certain about the gift-giving etiquette as far as those who perform services throughout the year. I know my neighbors give a small monetary gift to our mail carrier and the newspaper delivery person, but am I suppose to buy something for the damn garbage man and the people who collect my recycled items as well? This is what happens when you start giving to this class of people. They start expecting it. If I don’t give them an arm and a leg every year, my letter carrier will see that my mail gets lost, and that stupid paper guy will throw my newspaper in the bird bath at least twice a week, just to get even. I have never liked my mail carrier, and I have nothing good to say about the newspaper delivery person.
Another area of confusion is, should I send a check to the Salvation Army in the letter they sent me asking for a contribution or should I continue to put money in that stupid kettle in front of Wal-Mart? I would like to send them a nice check this year, maybe ten bucks, but then I’ll get dirty looks from that hateful bell ringer if I don’t put money in the kettle each time I pass by. The Salvation Army could be a little more selective about their bell-ringers in my opinion.
I hope you all have a joyful Christmas. Until next year…
