Archive for the ‘Group Therapy’ Category

Sex and the City (of Beaufort, SC)

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

I have shared this with readers before… I am not a sophisticated person. Until I started writing the “Crazy” series, most of the books I’d written were small town girl kinda books. But even though my new series is set in Atlanta, I don’t think it has that big city feel. I don’t know what it’s like to live in a big city.

A few years back, I told my agent I needed to add a little sophistication to my books, and he thought that was great. So I rented DVDs of “Sex and the City.” Yeah, I know I’m probably the only woman in the world who didn’t watch that series. Anyway, I was sort of aghast or maybe jealous that these women had so much sex going on in their lives. I didn’t know people in New York City had sex that often. I don’t know how they hold down a full time job.

I don’t think people have sex that often in South Carolina. Wait, I just had a brilliant thought. Maybe the reason people in NYC have sex more is because they don’t have to do yardwork. Like yesterday, I had to get up and rake pine needles and put down grass seed. The day before I stood outside for more than an hour spraying my lawn with liquid Miracle Grow. At some point I’m going to have to put down fresh pine straw. If I didn’t have all this yardwork I would have more time for sex. 

So last night I watched the DVD of the movie “Sex and the City” and I am amazed that these four women, now in their late 40s, are still either talking about or having a lot of sex. And when they’re not thinking or talking about sex they’re out buying shoes! People in NYC must make really good money because if I spent that kind of money on shoes I wouldn’t be able to make my house payment! There is obviously something wrong with me because I don’t really care about shoes one way or the other.

I’m thinking maybe these women are misrepresenting women in NYC. I need to touch base with some of the women there, maybe ask my editor if she thinks about sex and shoes that much. Or maybe I could ask my agent’s assistant. If someone from NYC reads this, I’d like to know if shoes are really that important to them.

And another thing… The way these women dress!  Holy mackeral! They have more clothes in their closet than Belk or TJ Max, which is where most women in my town shop. I don’t have that many places to go that I would need that many outfits! Of course, there is a lot more to do in NYC than in Beaufort, SC. 

Nevertheless, I was fascinated with the movie because the lives of those four women are so vastly different from anything I’ve ever known. For one thing, I don’t walk out of my house or restaurants and yell, “Taxi!” We have a taxi service in Beaufort, but I’ve never used it. I should freak out my neighbors by running out my front door yelling, “Taxi!” Maybe I should call our taxi service and take a ride, just to see what it’s like.

Compared to NYC, Beaufort, SC must be the most boring place in the world. I guess that’s why there isn’t a series called, “Sex and the City of Beaufort, SC.”

Lost in My Head

Friday, October 10th, 2008

The other night I watched an author on Cspan discuss his book on Abraham Lincoln. The author said that most creative people like Lincoln have “issues” which the author referred to as melancholy.  I’m like, Duh! As a whole, I think authors are neurotic and out of touch with reality since the people in their minds take up housekeeping in our heads. During that time I can describe to a T the names of the streets in my book, even though I forget how to get to my local Wal-mart.  Scary but true!

Procrastination

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

How many of you put off things because the thought of doing them is overwhelming?  Well, join the crowd!  A lot of writers I know, myself included, procrastinate.  I have it down to an art form.  I should be working on a new proposal.  Instead, I’m sitting on the sofa night after night watching TV and eating junk food, Fritos and chocolate.  I’ve gained five pounds!  Every time I finish a book, I promise myself I’ll start living healthy lifestyle.  I’ll exercise.  I’ll eat raw vegetables like broccoli.  I don’t even know how to spell broccoli; I had to look it up in the dictionary.  I can spell Godiva and Snickers.  The only exercise I’m getting these days is walking back and forth to the refrigerator.  This is no way to live.
 

The doctor is in…

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

After reading some of the stuff people do I wonder why we’re all on medication.  Get this:  In Wichita, Kansas, a woman actually sat on a toilet for two years.  By the time her boyfriend called the cops, her body was actually stuck to the toilet seat — her damn skin had grown around it — and they had to pry off the lid and send her to the hospital with it still stuck to her butt.
 
This part will just kill you…  The boyfriend, who brought her food and water every day, thinks she might have emotional problems.  Duh!
 
Who are these people?
 
I’m almost embarrassed to have to say this, but I need for everyone in the group to know that this is not normal behavior.  Please don’t try it.  You don’t want to have to try to fit into a pair of jeans with a toilet lid stuck to your butt.
 
And, no, I don’t make up this stuff.

The doctor is in: Has everyone taken their lithium today?

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008

I’d like to thank everybody for the great feedback on What Looks Like Crazy, even those people I didn’t have to pay to say so many great things.  I’m on book two of the series, Nutcase, and I’ll have to get back to you as to whether I think it’s gonna fly.  This is what happens when one book is easier to write, as was the case of What Looks Like Crazy.  Sooner or later you’re going to pay.  There are days I feel like I’m pulling this new book right out of my butt, you know?  But what’s a writer to do but push on so she can get paid and keep her house from going into foreclosure?  My other option is greeting people at Walmart.
 
So, you guys keep your fingers crossed — the damn thing is due in a month!  And here’s the pisser.  I’ve already eaten all the chocolate I received for Valentine’s Day.  This is no way to live.
 
Pray!

Smile More Often

Monday, January 28th, 2008

Author and “coach” Tony Robbins says it’s hard to feel bad when you smile. I’ve tried it, and it works! I think we should all smile and laugh more often. Also, it’s contagious. It’s sort of like the words in that old song, “When you’re smiling the whole world smiles with you.” Not only will you be doing yourself a huge favor, you can spread it to others. Of course, there will be someone who thinks you’re delusional, but that’s why God gave us a middle finger. And it IS possible to flip someone off and smile at the same time.

Feeding Your Mind with Good Stuff

Wednesday, January 16th, 2008

Be careful what you watch on TV, and what you read in the newspaper because the news is never good and it can easily send mentally ill people like us over the edge.  Of course, that doesn’t mean you don’t care about what’s happening in the world, but if you’re like me you just wallow around in it and feel bad for days.  Some of the weekly shows on TV – usually cop shows – can be especially gruesome, even though we know all the blood and guts spilling from the fake dead bodies aren’t real.  I suggest watching the Hallmark channel or Home and Garden TV.  The worst that can happen on HGTV is a bad decorating job, and that’s okay because I don’t have to live in it.

New Year’s Resolution

Sunday, January 13th, 2008

Okay, I swore I wouldn’t do it, but I’ve decided to make a New Year’s resolution after all.  For those of you who insist on being depressed, despite good drugs, listen up.

Has it ever occurred to you that you can help yourself feel better while waiting for your Zoloft to kick in?  Yes, you heard it here first, folks — if you change your thoughts you can often change your feelings.  But if you’re like me and you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop; well, you’re going to feel like hell most of the time.

Trust me, you can always find something in your life to complain about.  But what if you concentrated instead on what’s good in your life?  What if you woke up each morning and wrote down the things you’re grateful for?  Even if it’s something small like having naturally curly hair.  If you can’t think of anything off the top of your head and have to lie, that’s okay.  Have you ever heard the words, “Fake it until you make it?”

From now on, the first thing I’m going to do when I get up in the morning — after having my usual wake up Bloody Mary or two — is to make a list of what’s good in my life.  Like inside plumbing.  Or my microwave.  Or how about blow dryers and curling irons?  What did we do before they came along?  How many of you had to sleep with curlers in your hair?  Felt like you were wearing box springs on your head.  What about Control Top pantyhose?  Before they came along we had to make a conscious effort to hold in our stomachs.  That’s pretty hard to remember if your life is as busy as mine.

There is always something to feel grateful for so write it down.  It’s hard to feel depressed and grateful at the same time.  I know because I’ve tried.

Kitty Wigs

Monday, December 17th, 2007

In our last session we discussed idiots who spend millions of dollars buying diamond collars for their pets.  I thought that was weird.  But just when I think I’ve heard and seen it all, someone comes along and does something that just blows me out of the water.
 
Kitty wigs.
 
No lie.  You can now buy a wig for your cat. 
 
If you log onto www.kittywigs.com you’ll be able to choose from an assortment of wig styles for the kitty in your life — Pink Passion, Bashful Blonde, Silver Fox, and Electric Blue.  You’ll see photos of cats actually modeling the wigs, just in case you’re like me and have to see it to believe it.
 
I’m trying to imagine my male tabby wearing a kitty wig.  I’m trying to imagine why I would want to put a wig on him.  Who puts wigs on their cats? 
 
I’m beginning to wonder why more people in this world aren’t medicated.

Just when I think I’ve HEARD IT ALL…

Monday, December 3rd, 2007

Okay, just when I think I’ve HEARD IT ALL, something comes along that makes me wonder why more people aren’t taking medication.

The reason I say this is because there are people out there who have too damn much money, and they make idiots out of themselves trying to spend it.

Get this: there is a company called ILoveDogsDiamonds.com selling diamond studded dog collars.  They have a 52-carat diamond collar selling for $1.8 million.  Fortunately, for people like me, they sell less expensive ones.  Whew, that’s a relief since I’ve been pacing the floor wondering what to get my dogs for Christmas.  Suddenly, a rawhide bone sounds kind of lame.  Who the hell buys a dog a $1.8M collar?

And get this!  One celebrity talk show host, whom we all look to for common sense answers, has set up a trust for $30 million to provide for her five dogs and various other pets, in case something happens to her.  And, yes, her dogs wear diamond studded collars.

I’m trying to figure out why five dogs would even NEED $30M bucks to see them through their lives, even if they live longer than any dog listed in the “Guiness Book of World Records.”  Of course, depending on how expensive their collars are, they’ll have to pay personal property insurance.  I suppose that could get pricey.  And did I hear some time back that Oprah had a nanny for these dogs?  That would probably add up.  Oh, yeah, and then you got to think about the person who goes behind them with the pooper scooper because I just can’t see Oprah with a pooper scooper in her hands.  Plus, the grooming.  I’ll bet those dogs use Jennifer Aniston’s hair dresser.  I’ll bet they get weekly pedicures.
I wonder what some of these celebrity dogs eat, for pete’s sake?  It’s not like they can order off a menu.  “I’ll have the filet mignon, extra rare, with bernaise sauce.” I’ll tell you one thing, I’ll bet they didn’t have the flea problem I had with my pets this year.  I don’t know any fleas that can afford to live on dogs with a $30M trust fund.

You know, I was amazed to hear that Tom Cruise’s new house cost something like $35M dollars.  I’m like, da-um, I hope his kitchen has stainless steel appliances!  Now, can you imagine what Tom spent furnishing that house?  Jeez!

Tom’s place is nothing compared to the Mall-of-America lookalike owned by the late Aaron Spelling.  It’s worth $150M and has 56,000 square feet.  Can you imagine how big 56,000 square feet is?  It’s like the size of Rhode Island.  I’ll tell you one damn thing.  I think the CIA needs to take a look inside that house because Bin Laden could hang out in a place that size and never be found.

Now, Spelling’s widow is trying to sell the house, but Realtors are only showing it to a “select” few.  Well, yeah!  When was the last time you walked into a real estate office and said, “I want something large enough to sleep the state of Texas, but I’ll not spend a dime over $149M.  That is my BOTTOM LINE!    And the poor Realtor has to say, “I’m so sorry, Sir, but the only thing we have that might fit your needs is more than you want to spend.  Have a nice day.”

Back to my original point.  Some people have too damn much money.  I can’t help but wonder what these celebrity dogs are getting for Christmas this year.  I’ll bet those gifts aren’t coming from Pet Smart.