A Sentence Or Two Is The Perfect Length For Me To Write A Dumb Joke

(Charlotte Hughes would like to welcome guest blogger Joe Konrath. He has a very popular blog about writing, he authors mysteries with a female cop featured, Joe has a horror book on the way, and as you will see from this post, he has a lively sense of humor)

I’m Joe Konrath, guest blogging for Charlotte. If you’re one of my three fans, you know I write a mystery series about a female cop named Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels. All the books are named after drinks—Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Fuzzy Navel, and Cherry Bomb, which comes out this July.

They’re funny, but also have some scary parts in them.

Over the years, I’ve gotten many letters from readers asking if I could do a book that was all scary, without any of the humorous bits.

I gave it a try. The result was AFRAID, which I wrote under the name Jack Kilborn. It comes out at the end of March, and it’s scary. In fact, I tried to make it the scariest book ever written. If you think you’re brave enough, I encourage you to give it a try. You can read the first section at www.JackKilborn.com. You can also check out my funny books there.

Which brings me to why I’m here.

I’m currently on a blog tour, promoting AFRAID. Every day in March, I’m  appearing on someone else’s blog, flogging my horror novel.

By now I’m pretty tired of talking about horror. So I’m going to take a goofy side trip.

Twitter.com is a social networking site where you post a sentence or two, to share with your friends.

A sentence or two is the perfect length for me to write a dumb joke.

So rather than yak yak yak about how scary AFRAID is and why everyone needs to buy ten copies, I’m going to share some of my Twitter posts instead.

If they amuse you, you should go buy ten copies of AFRAID. :)

I realized I’m not fat; just too short for my body weight. So instead of going on a diet, I’m committing myself to growing 17 inches taller.

My beeper plays Led Zeppelin riffs when I get a call. It’s my Jimmy Pager.

I’m now on a vegan diet. So far this month I’ve eaten two vegans.

I want to be a poseur, but I’m really not sincere or authentic, so I just act like one and hope I’m accepted by other poseurs.

I never let sleeping dogs lie. Dogs should have to tell the truth.

A nice thing about winter is no mosquitos. That is, until they learn to start wearing parkas. Then winter will reeeeally suck.

They should make a video game that’s a video game simulator, for when you don’t want to play a real video game.

I went bowling with my son. A ball rolls better.

The waiter thought I was nuts when I asked for A1 sauce. I hate snobs like that. I should be able to pour whatever I want on my apple pie.

Spanking can cause deep psychological scars in children. So you should wait until they’re asleep, then blame it on bad dreams.

I pinch pennies so tight Lincoln’s face is on my thumb.

She told me the necklace was too tight and when she finally got it on it made her eyes bug out. I decided not to tell her it was a bracelet.

A word to the wise: insisting your profession is “a human sundial” when you get arrested for indecent exposure does not amuse the judge.

She called them “butter cookies” but they were really just whole sticks of butter with sugar sprinkled on top. I ate three.

I hate Quitters Anonymous meetings, but I just keep going for some reason.

When there’s something really chewy in the apple pie, but you can’t really identify it, I really hope it isn’t cartilage.

Beer–it’s good for what ales you.

Indeed, the pen is mightier than the sword. But only the rocket pen, which fires a surface to air missile filled with tiny swords.

I’m going to get a full body tattoo. It will be a picture of someone thinner and more attractive.

I just bought one of those new Morse code cell phones. It’s totally .- .– . … — — . ..–.
I wrote a book about menopause, but it is hard to understand because it doesn’t have any periods.    

I don’t care if it is another dare, I’ll never shave with a rusty bottle cap and witch hazel ever again.

I invented the world’s smallest cell phone. But I can’t seem to find it.

Are hearing aids becoming more expensive? I haven’t heard anything about it.   

Catching a tiger by the toe gets easier with practice, my friend Stumpy told me.

I was addicted to nicotine gum, chewing three packs a day. So in order to ween myself off, I started smoking.

Grandma said the secret ingredient in her cookies was love. But I spied on her while she was baking. It was really boogers.

I’m hoping for the day humans learn to breathe underwater, but I’m not holding my breath.

My foot was injured at the mattress factory, and now I’ve got a spring in my step.
The crytographer called in sick, because caught a code. Yeah, I groaned too when I thought of it.

Twenty-five percent of people surveyed claim to understand percentages. The other eighty percent do not.

I think the candy companies should make a candy that can be not only be eaten, but also snorted. Also, it should have cocaine in it.

Pets enrich our lives, with many essential vitamins and minerals.

I’m writing a book about elderly dinosaurs. It’s called Geriassic Park. The T-Rex hero breaks a hip, and his children never call.

I had a pair of Velcro underwear, but they got ripped off.

I bet when Hormel Foods sends out emails they get blocked a lot.

I just found out I’m allergic to myself. Now I can’t take me anywhere.

When you’re going through ice-cream cone withdrawal, do you get the shakes?   

I rewrite all of my stories until I get to the fourth draft. After that, I switch to bottles.

When I saw her, my breath caught and my heart skipped a beat. But I realized later it was really a myocardial infarction.

The best revenge is living a long, fulfilling life. That and burning down their house while they’re trapped inside.

I just saw my first Bollywood movie. It had a caste of thousands.   

Whenever I go fishing, I’m reminded of an old girlfriend. Her name was Annette. She also had a sister, named Smallmouth Bass.

The things that come out of the mouths of babes. Like this toaster. How’d he fit that whole thing in there?

Roget had waaaay too much free time.   

If I had a ten dollars for every car accident I’ve ever been in, I still couldn’t pay my insurance.

I hated him, but he said I couldn’t judge him unless I walked a mile in his shoes. So I beat him up and took his shoes.

I’ve written a book about Viagra. It’s a pop-up book. It was a hard book to write.

I’m not afraid of genetically altered or irradiated fruit, except for that giant pear who followed me home and beat me up and stole my TV.

It’s not really “stealing” if you plan to return everything you stole some day, perhaps after you die.

He said it was CPR, but I was only sleeping. Also, I don’t think CPR uses tongue.

When you’re a professional eater, a lunch break is just more work.

It’s always darkest just before the vampires attack.

As I turned my head and coughed I thought, “How lucky I am to have found a doctor who gives free exams in back alleys.”

I bought some Dutch cheese, and it was really Gouda.

Today I have spontaneity practice, followed by my Procrastinator’s Anonymous meeting, which I’m going to blow off.

I’m stating a new club called “Everyone Is Excluded.” I’d invite you, but I’m not invited either.

A child’s laughter is more precious than gold. I keep telling the pawn shop guy that, but he still won’t buy my son.

I’m reducing my beer consumption to one glass a day. Anyone know where I can find a 200 ounce glass?

I wrote a book about potty training. It was a number two bestseller.

Time is relative. That’s why I call him “Uncle Time.”

I’m writing a novel about a dwarf. Does that make it a short story?

With some lube I can fit my whole hand up my nose.

Maybe there wouldn’t be so many poor people in the world if they all had a bunch of money.

Having twelve fingers would be awesome. Except when it came time to buy gloves…

If all that wasn’t enough, there are plenty more at www.twitter.com/jakonrath.

Now go buy all of my books. Or even better, swipe them from your local library so they have to get replacement copies. It’s win-win.

And thanks Charlotte for putting up with me. :)

11 Responses to “A Sentence Or Two Is The Perfect Length For Me To Write A Dumb Joke”

  1. JA Konrath says:

    Again, thanks for having me, Charlotte. Especially in this terrible economy. It’s gotten pretty bad, and our household is struggling to even eat. In fact, you know those TV commercials for the place that buys your gold jewelry by sending you an envelope? This morning, I ate three of those envelopes.

  2. Very very funny Konrath. Been reading your blogs as your travel around the blogosphere. I usually just lurk, but thanks for the laughs. Now, off to get dressed for church where I shall repent for laughing at some of those! :)

  3. Karen Syed says:

    You know what makes me really AFRAID?

    I laughed at almost all of these the first time I read them, too.


  4. As a Joe-follower on Twitter, I wait for these pearls of wisdom every day. And wait. And wait.

    Just kidding. I laugh until I stop.


  5. Jake Nantz says:

    VERY funny stuff. You’re a riot!

  6. karen from Mentor says:

    “With some lube I can fit my whole hand up my nose”

    This one Begs just sooooo many questions.

    but it’s quite a visual.

    Thanks Joe,

  7. karen from Mentor says:

    And Charlotte,
    I loved WHAT LOOKS LIKE CRAZY. I loaned it to a friend of mine and she never gave it back!
    Thanks for having Joe, I’ve really been enjoying the blog tour.
    Karen from Mentor

  8. Did you think all those up by yourself, Joe?

    Morgan Mandel

  9. admin says:

    Joe, thanks so much for guest blogging here. Good luck with your new book! Charlotte

  10. Kim Smith says:

    lol my fav:
    Roget had waaaay too much free time

    Joe, you are just the best. I own everyone of your JD books and am terribly AFRAID of getting AFRAID, but lol, I will!

  11. Basil Sands says:

    Ow! Stings! Ow!

    Rock Star energy drink..spurting out my nose!

    Whoa! Whutuh rush…

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