Just when I think I can’t learn anything from my spam E-mail, something shows up that simply astounds me!

Did you know that a colon cleanse can rid you of POUNDS AND POUNDS of unwanted waste!  I thought that was called a divorce.

Seriously, if you suffer from bloating, fatigue, constipation, low energy, excess weight that you can’t get rid of and thought was due to Snicker’s bars, you can remedy all that with a simple colon cleanse.

In the old days we called it an enema.  I received my first enema when I went into the hospital to give birth to my older son.  The student nurse who gave it to me seemed to know as much about them as I did.  (I like to think I was her first.)  So, she gives it to me, says, “Okay, hold it!” and leaves the room.  Well, I thought she meant for me to hold my breath.  After about what felt like six days, I began turning purple and seeing tiny dots in front of me so I started frantically pressing the call button.  I’m surprised they didn’t have to bring out the oxygen and paddles.

The nurse panicked and said, “You can let it out now!”

I think I’ll just leave the rest to your imagination.

I just have to sound off.  Remember all those diets that warned us against eating potatoes, rice, and other starches.  Even as a kid I had to watch my weight so I was the one eating meat and lettuce while my family ate the good stuff.  Well, in a recent article provided by “Prevention” magazine, I just learned these starches actually burn fat.  What’s with THAT???  This just pisses me off.  I need a big favor.  If anybody finds an article that says it’s okay to eat an extra large bag of M&Ms with peanuts would you please let me know?  I bought a bag yesterday and stuck them in my freezer.  Yeah, like that’s going to stop me.  I guess a .38 Smith and Wesson would stop me, but I can’t think of anything else.  Heck, I’ve eaten frozen brownies.  Next thing I know, somebody is going to discover that fresh fruit and vegetables are bad for us, and I should have been eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups all along.

After reading some of the stuff people do I wonder why we’re all on medication.  Get this:  In Wichita, Kansas, a woman actually sat on a toilet for two years.  By the time her boyfriend called the cops, her body was actually stuck to the toilet seat — her damn skin had grown around it — and they had to pry off the lid and send her to the hospital with it still stuck to her butt.
 
This part will just kill you…  The boyfriend, who brought her food and water every day, thinks she might have emotional problems.  Duh!
 
Who are these people?
 
I’m almost embarrassed to have to say this, but I need for everyone in the group to know that this is not normal behavior.  Please don’t try it.  You don’t want to have to try to fit into a pair of jeans with a toilet lid stuck to your butt.
 
And, no, I don’t make up this stuff.

Many readers know I was MIA for several weeks.  My mother had knee-replacement surgery; then, after two weeks, we both came down with acute bronchitis.  Thast was not fun.  (I’m still trying to recuperate!)  Since I was four hours from my doctor, I drove myself to the ER.  I was sooo sick.  As I told a couple of people, I was amazed to wake up each morning on this side of the dirt.
 
In the meantime, my marketing assistant, Tara Green, was hard at work.  The woman never sleeps.  So it was quite amusing that, right before my book hit the stores, Tara announced my online book launch party.  And there I was at my mom’s, both of us too sick to die.  Naturally, my friends and family got a huge kick out of it.  Instead of drinking champagne to celebrate, I was tossing back antibiotics and trying to get my fever down.  My mother was attempting to learn how to use a walker until she could get around without it.  It was all we could do to take a shower, much less put on makeup and do our hair.
 
Some party, huh?

I’d like to thank everybody for the great feedback on What Looks Like Crazy, even those people I didn’t have to pay to say so many great things.  I’m on book two of the series, Nutcase, and I’ll have to get back to you as to whether I think it’s gonna fly.  This is what happens when one book is easier to write, as was the case of What Looks Like Crazy.  Sooner or later you’re going to pay.  There are days I feel like I’m pulling this new book right out of my butt, you know?  But what’s a writer to do but push on so she can get paid and keep her house from going into foreclosure?  My other option is greeting people at Walmart.
 
So, you guys keep your fingers crossed — the damn thing is due in a month!  And here’s the pisser.  I’ve already eaten all the chocolate I received for Valentine’s Day.  This is no way to live.
 
Pray!