Charlotte Hughes’ Annual Christmas Letter
Those stupid Christmas letters! If you’re like me, you get them every year, folks bragging about their perfect marriage, perfect kids, their perfect life in general. I feel like hurling every time I read one. So this year I’m sending out my own Christmas letter.
Charlotte Hughes’ Annual Christmas Letter
Dear Friends and Family:
As always, I wait anxiously for your newsy, edge-of-the-seat Christmas letters; and I shout with glee to find them in my mailbox. So, I’ve decided to share my Christmas news.
As I write this, I am in a heated debate with myself as to where I should put up my Christmas tree. The focal point in my living room is my fireplace and overhead TV. If I put my tree there I would be able to better enjoy it. However, my neighbors and their young children would be deprived of seeing my tree, which is quite spectacular, if I don’t mind saying so myself, and I know Christmas is a time for sharing. Having said that, I’ll have to admit, I can’t stand these people. The kids run through my yard and tease my dogs, and it is hell-on-earth putting up with the little snot-nosed brats. Their mothers congregate in my cul-de-sac after dinner on the pretence of watching their children play, but I know damn well they’re trashing me.
I’m also debating where to hang my Christmas wreath. I have a wrap-around front porch, called a “lowcountry home,” which means I actually have two front doors, one on each side of the house. Nobody really knows which door is considered the front door because they look exactly alike. It is very confusing because when the doorbell rings I have to choose which door to answer first. (Like I have nothing else better to do, right?) What usually happens is I open one door, find nobody there; then have to walk through my entire house to reach the other door, only to discover the person obviously thought he or she was knocking on the wrong door and moved to the other. This can go on, this back and forth business, for quite a while, and it just pisses me off and makes me wish I’d never let that stupid Realtor talk me into buying this place. And having a total of three doors in my home makes it three times easier for some thief/rapist/murderer to break in, so you can see why I suspect the architect was taking illegal drugs when he designed it.
I am unclear if I should wrap my gifts this year or put them in gift bags. Wrapping takes longer, but it feels more personal. Anybody can stuff a gift in a bag and cover it with tissue paper. Of course, the latter of the two would save me time and energy, but again, this is the Christmas season, and I should be thinking of others, not myself. Of course, nobody else I know seems concerned; to tell you the truth, my family and friends are thoughtless as hell about such things. They’d just as soon give me my gift in the Wal-Mart bag it came in. Some people are so self-centered, and it just burns my butt to have to get them anything to begin with. Fortunately, a couple of my family members are in jail as I write this so I’ve marked their thieving asses off my list.
I am also not certain about the gift-giving etiquette as far as those who perform services throughout the year. I know my neighbors give a small monetary gift to our mail carrier and the newspaper delivery person, but am I suppose to buy something for the damn garbage man and the people who collect my recycled items as well? This is what happens when you start giving to this class of people. They start expecting it. If I don’t give them an arm and a leg every year, my letter carrier will see that my mail gets lost, and that stupid paper guy will throw my newspaper in the bird bath at least twice a week, just to get even. I have never liked my mail carrier, and I have nothing good to say about the newspaper delivery person.
Another area of confusion is, should I send a check to the Salvation Army in the letter they sent me asking for a contribution or should I continue to put money in that stupid kettle in front of Wal-Mart? I would like to send them a nice check this year, maybe ten bucks, but then I’ll get dirty looks from that hateful bell ringer if I don’t put money in the kettle each time I pass by. The Salvation Army could be a little more selective about their bell-ringers in my opinion.
I hope you all have a joyful Christmas. Until next year…
Charlotte
December 13th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Charlotte,
Amen, to everything you said in your Christmas letter.
I agree with you completly. I don’t like to hear other people brag.
As for gifts for the letter carrier and other folks. Last time I heard they get paid a good salary plus benefits. I know my mailman has accumulated so many days off we rarely see the man.
As for you Christmas tree. You put it where you would like it best. You are the one to put it up you should enjoy it to its fullest.
My last comment…the bellringer problem i just decide how much I plan on donating 10 or 15 dollars get it in one dollar bills and everytime I hit Walmart I stick one in. If my budget runs out all you have to do is enter and exit the store through the
garden center. Don’t every send a check those folks will get your mailing address and sent constant letters requesting more donations.
Merry, Merry.
December 14th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
It’s funny but you know, when you try to be nice to people they exspect more. I was thinking of a Christmas card to leave on my trash can on pick up day and a card in my mailbox for the mail delivery but then i thought they would find that insulting that there would be no money in it and so i thought why even give them a card. It seems like a gift should be recieved the same way it’s given as the thought, but i don’t feel like people see it that way. I was thinking of buying these candles 3 for 10.00 from Michaels different holiday scents and wrap each one with a card for a few of my neighbors and then i thought they would think what a cheap gift but i would think how nice it was someone thought of me.
December 15th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Hi Charlotte, had to laugh at your ACL. I too agree with you.
Talking about rude and annoying people, what do you do when you give to your paper carriers ( I have 2 different papers delivered) gift cards every year for the 3 years in the row and neither one said thank you, but every year they enclose self addressed envelope
without stamp with their computer printed card for me,that was not even in the envelope but tucked in the paper. Is that rude or what?
December 15th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Hands down the best christmas letter I’ve read this year
My least favorite has to be a relative of mine who writes about herself and her family in 3rd person. So annoying!
December 19th, 2007 at 9:11 am
I enjoyed your Christmas letter. I have to agree on the Christmas Cards, they can sound like people are sounding off.
I have to agree with the last entry about speaking in 3rd person. While I like hearing general updates, those letters in 3rd person just appear to give license to bragging. There is a way to update people without sounding this way. I appreciate the general update because otherwise I am the one who is wondering, “how old is their child now” and “what was their name?” I mean I could brag also. The example being: Listing all the places I took my child this year, the planned returned trips to Florida and Vegas to see family, the upgrades to the house, like granite counters, the summer in the Mustang Convertible my kid just loved and the parents loved like we were kids, the school accomplishments and of course all the while sounding like my kid thinks we are the best parents ever.
If I took the time, I would assume the updates my friends would appreciate would be a general note commenting on my child’s age, the sports we are trying this year and that we wish everyone a wonderful year ahead. I do not need to explain my child is the best at each sport he had tried or that each teacher loves him the best and that my husband and I are doing great working together as a parenting team. Because in early years that was not the case and I did not feel that way so why rub someone else’s face in it?
On the gift giving to letter carrier, I am looking at the level of giving I can maintain each year and if I offend the people, it is the best I can do. So I may include a note, that their work does not go un-noticed and I was able to give something this year so I am giving while I can. Because truthfully, I may not be able to give each year depending on the job status.
March 9th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
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