Hello to everyone from my computer where my butt is plastered to my chair almost around-the-clock because I am late with book two of the series, NUTCASE. 
 
If I don’t make my May 1st deadline, I’m going to have to come up with a pretty darn good excuse.  I don’t think, “My dog ate my manuscript,” will work.  In the South we say, “That bird ain’t gonna fly.”
 
I would like to make an announcement.  On April 11th, I became a first time grandmother to a 7 lb, 14 oz, baby boy named Caleb!  He is absolutely gorgeous, and I held him when he was less than an hour old.  The nurses hadn’t even cleaned all the gunk off him; that’s how new he was.
 
We went round and round as to what my grandson would call me.  I didn’t want to be called grandma or granny.  I sort of liked the idea of having him call me Miss Charlotte or Mrs. Hughes, but nobody agreed.  I trained my nephews and nieces to call me Beautiful Aunt Charlotte from the moment they could talk. 
 
After a vote, everyone settled on Mimi.  Except for my son, who thought it sounded like a French prostitute.  If anybody out there is named Mimi, remember, I’m not the one who said it.
 
Anyway, I had a great time because I wasn’t the one giving birth.  As soon as I have photos I’ll post them online.
 
I’d like to thank everyone who has E-mailed me telling me how much they enjoyed WHAT LOOKS LIKE CRAZY.  It sort of makes all the hours in front of my computer worth it.
 
I’ll be in touch once I come up for air again.

You know that you have no life when you find yourself reading about the sex lives of Octopuses, but I find myself doing this sort of thing from time to time just to get out of working on my book.  What I learned might surprise you.
 
Maggie Fox of Reuters Ltd. reported on a study by University of California, Berkley, that, “The love lives of octopuses are far more complex than anyone thought.”
 
This is odd to me because I had never spent much time thinking about the love lives of octopuses until now.   Anyway, the males actually court the females.  They flirt and hold hands, or tentacles, as the case may be; they do everything except light candles and put on romantic music.  The male is very protective of his lover.  If a new guy octopus tries to steal the affections of another male’s sweetie pie, watch out!   Males guard their females with the ferociousness of a junkyard dog.  And get this: once octopuses become sexually mature, they do it three times a day!  
 
Maggie Fox goes on to report that males deposit sperm packets into the females with specially designed arms.  This produces tens of thousands of eggs.  Fortunately, for the soon-to-be parents, their life span ends within a few short months after mating, which means they don’t actually have to raise the newborns.
 
 Remember, you heard it here first!

Just when I think I can’t learn anything from my spam E-mail, something shows up that simply astounds me!

Did you know that a colon cleanse can rid you of POUNDS AND POUNDS of unwanted waste!  I thought that was called a divorce.

Seriously, if you suffer from bloating, fatigue, constipation, low energy, excess weight that you can’t get rid of and thought was due to Snicker’s bars, you can remedy all that with a simple colon cleanse.

In the old days we called it an enema.  I received my first enema when I went into the hospital to give birth to my older son.  The student nurse who gave it to me seemed to know as much about them as I did.  (I like to think I was her first.)  So, she gives it to me, says, “Okay, hold it!” and leaves the room.  Well, I thought she meant for me to hold my breath.  After about what felt like six days, I began turning purple and seeing tiny dots in front of me so I started frantically pressing the call button.  I’m surprised they didn’t have to bring out the oxygen and paddles.

The nurse panicked and said, “You can let it out now!”

I think I’ll just leave the rest to your imagination.

I just have to sound off.  Remember all those diets that warned us against eating potatoes, rice, and other starches.  Even as a kid I had to watch my weight so I was the one eating meat and lettuce while my family ate the good stuff.  Well, in a recent article provided by “Prevention” magazine, I just learned these starches actually burn fat.  What’s with THAT???  This just pisses me off.  I need a big favor.  If anybody finds an article that says it’s okay to eat an extra large bag of M&Ms with peanuts would you please let me know?  I bought a bag yesterday and stuck them in my freezer.  Yeah, like that’s going to stop me.  I guess a .38 Smith and Wesson would stop me, but I can’t think of anything else.  Heck, I’ve eaten frozen brownies.  Next thing I know, somebody is going to discover that fresh fruit and vegetables are bad for us, and I should have been eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups all along.

After reading some of the stuff people do I wonder why we’re all on medication.  Get this:  In Wichita, Kansas, a woman actually sat on a toilet for two years.  By the time her boyfriend called the cops, her body was actually stuck to the toilet seat — her damn skin had grown around it — and they had to pry off the lid and send her to the hospital with it still stuck to her butt.
 
This part will just kill you…  The boyfriend, who brought her food and water every day, thinks she might have emotional problems.  Duh!
 
Who are these people?
 
I’m almost embarrassed to have to say this, but I need for everyone in the group to know that this is not normal behavior.  Please don’t try it.  You don’t want to have to try to fit into a pair of jeans with a toilet lid stuck to your butt.
 
And, no, I don’t make up this stuff.

Many readers know I was MIA for several weeks.  My mother had knee-replacement surgery; then, after two weeks, we both came down with acute bronchitis.  Thast was not fun.  (I’m still trying to recuperate!)  Since I was four hours from my doctor, I drove myself to the ER.  I was sooo sick.  As I told a couple of people, I was amazed to wake up each morning on this side of the dirt.
 
In the meantime, my marketing assistant, Tara Green, was hard at work.  The woman never sleeps.  So it was quite amusing that, right before my book hit the stores, Tara announced my online book launch party.  And there I was at my mom’s, both of us too sick to die.  Naturally, my friends and family got a huge kick out of it.  Instead of drinking champagne to celebrate, I was tossing back antibiotics and trying to get my fever down.  My mother was attempting to learn how to use a walker until she could get around without it.  It was all we could do to take a shower, much less put on makeup and do our hair.
 
Some party, huh?

I’d like to thank everybody for the great feedback on What Looks Like Crazy, even those people I didn’t have to pay to say so many great things.  I’m on book two of the series, Nutcase, and I’ll have to get back to you as to whether I think it’s gonna fly.  This is what happens when one book is easier to write, as was the case of What Looks Like Crazy.  Sooner or later you’re going to pay.  There are days I feel like I’m pulling this new book right out of my butt, you know?  But what’s a writer to do but push on so she can get paid and keep her house from going into foreclosure?  My other option is greeting people at Walmart.
 
So, you guys keep your fingers crossed — the damn thing is due in a month!  And here’s the pisser.  I’ve already eaten all the chocolate I received for Valentine’s Day.  This is no way to live.
 
Pray!

I never thought this day would come. What Looks Like Crazy, the first book in my new Crazy Series was released today!

 Here’s some information on it!

WHAT LOOKS LIKE CRAZY (Jove Mass Market; March 2008; $7.99) is the hilarious novel that will launch a thousand therapy sessions—and a madcap new series, perfect for everyone who is just hanging on by a thread.

Kate Holly is a psychologist, but lately she’s the one that could use some help. She’s divorcing her gorgeous firefighter husband, has an eccentric secretary who runs her life, is dealing with her neighbors’ anger over the vaguely sexual sculpture her mother erected in her front yard, and her psychiatrist ex-boyfriend won’t stop calling to find out what she’s wearing. The only one who can help Kate is the one man who always makes her lose her mind — and her heart.

Available at:

Amazon.com

Barnes & Noble

Booksense

I’d love to hear what you think about my latest release! Thanks for all your support and keep your comments coming.

I just love reading articles written by geniuses.
 
Get this:  In a study by the Faculty of the Harvard Medical School, they have discovered that caffeine can contribute to anxiety.
 
Duh.
 
I could have told you that.  I’m hooked up to a Starbucks IV, and my anxiety level is off the charts. 
 
Although Harvard hasn’t provided me with scientific proof, let me just say that drinking gallons of coffee can also make you pee a lot.  I thought I’d give you the heads up on that one in case the geniuses at Harvard take a couple of years to finalize that study.
 
Remember, you heard it here first.

There are a lot of jerks in this world, and I’m pretty sure I’ve met most of them.  I think I even married one or two.  I did not use good judgment at the time, and I’ve since raised my standards.  For example, I learned to stop accepting dates from men just because their photos weren’t on the Wanted list at the post office. 

It’s easier to stay pissed off at ex-husbands and other people who’ve hurt you, but a couple of years ago, I read a quote in Reader’s Digest that changed my mind.  I can’t recall the person’s name who actually quoted it, and I hope I don’t misquote the author and get sued – but it the gist of it was:  “Being angry with someone is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Besides, they hate it when you stop being mad at them because indifference is a bitter pill to swallow.  Sometimes, I am amazed at what I come up with.